Same, but different.

It’s been an incredibly long 18 months.

After 18 months of surviving my brothers accident – from Trauma ICU, 8 weeks in a rehab hospital, 6 month of therapy and 12 weeks of daily hyperbaric appts. My mom lived with me in CO for 6 months helping me so I could work. God has blessed me with the best of a terrible situation.

I am exhausted. My brain is going to places that are beyond sad. While I feel I’ve been frozen in time for 18 months – the world has not.

I am mourning 18 months. Coming to realize I’m not that brave, but definitely a coward. I can be strong and brave for others, but not for myself. I am drowning in the things of the past, and the decisions that I felt I did wrong – and would make me a different person, maybe one I’d be more proud of.

I look at the last 12 years, and I can see every moment where someone walked away and took a piece of that person I was – I haven’t been able to replace those pieces for new ones. And with the exhaustion of the last months has made me beyond exhausted. I cannot explain the fear and stress stretched out over 18 months, and drowning in exhaustion.

I felt unloveable before, and even more so now. And now, when I’m struggling to deal with has happened, and just want someone to love me, not because I fought to take care of my brother, or because I’m strong for my parents – but ME, while I’m too tired to love myself.

There is a purpose for everything God leads us to and through – I pray for growth and learning this year. Making sure I do things that make me happy, and I can be proud of those choices.

Here’s to a new of living your choices, and being happy.

The Worst Day.

Can you remember one single moment where everything changes? Where you think it’s a joke, and someone is going to jump out of nowhere and say ’Just Kidding!’?

June 24th, 2022 at a little after 8pm.

A police officer knocks on my door to tell me my brother was hit by a car while riding his bicycle home from work. All the officer would tell me was that it was bad, and he was in a coma. Then I had to call my parents, and wait until after 11pm to see my brother. An image I cannot forget.

As I was driving to the ER, trying not to have a full blown panic attack, there in front of me were two full double rainbows. As bright as I’ve ever seen them – Reminding me of a promise to always look after His people.

Even with the rough weeks behind us, and the weeks ahead of us – God is good.

There is a video of the accident (which I cannot bring myself to watch), but my brother should have more significant injuries. He flew 9ft high and 40 ft of distance. She hit him at 30 MPH, and didn’t hit her breaks until after she had hit him.

I will never forget the bright double rainbow as I drove to the ER, or the several other rainbows, as my parents and I drove several times a day to the Trauma ICU.

Even in our darkest day, if you look for light, you will find it.

A New Year.

I don’t believe in “New Year, New Me” stuff. I believe in the power of lessons, giving grace (especially to yourself) and reflection.

All of the lessons 2021 has taught me – Without pause or hesitation, I believe in freedom. The freedom to be an asshole and offensive. The freedom to be kind and accepting. In general, the critical thinking skills of the majority of people are sorely lacking. My opinion is just that an opinion, but I should have the freedom to share it. What I say some might think I’m am asshole, and others a savior. Learn the lesson of what’s in everyone’s opinion, experiences and stories, as they shape our opinions.

This was the year of turning 40, and that in and of itself required a bit of self-grace. I don’t have kids, by choice, and I don’t have a significant other, through lessons. This year has been good to me, but it’s been at a cost. I’m exhausted, and my anxiety at an all time high. I’ve lost a lot of faith in people, probably given it all to God (not a terrible thing). But for all the people I’ve let exit my life, I have not added others. Everyone requires grace, even those that leave, voluntarily or otherwise.

The reflection of this year – the main stream media is abysmal. To understand only one side, or believe only one voice, is irresponsible. Yet, here we are. We have a president who is a habitual liar (YouTube his ‘strategies’ regarding Afghanistan or district segregation for schools), and the nation fell for it. We have child molesters who are not being held accountable, all because of their ‘power’. And yet, people are more concerned about being vaccinated, and redefining ‘My body, my choice’ as a limited commodity. It’s very sad and disappointing.

There is always hope, and there is constant change. Here’s to hoping 2022 will inspire change that will enable individuals to find and live their own dream, rather than allowing others to supply them ready-made dreams.

“Grace means all of your mistakes now serve a purpose, instead of serving shame.”

20/20

After a pretty hefty year of ‘adulting’ in 2019, I had a vision of enjoying the fruits of those efforts in 2020. Welp, that vision is happening, just not the way I had anticipated, quarantined in my new house wasn’t exactly my vision for ‘enjoying my new house’. The initial reaction of our country to COVID-19 is extremely disappointing, as it shows how extremely selfish we’ve become as a nation, and exemplifies our disregard for others. Let’s be real, I’m not perfect and have moments of selfishness, as we all need these moments to advocate for ourselves. However, what these initial reactions show of our country, is a vast majority of our population have lost the ability to consider others.

As for all my feels, I’m pretty anti-fear. I’m cautious, but I refuse to live in fear or stop my life and the planning of it. So, let’s just count down these feels:

1. In the last two years, cases of the flu causing hospitalization and death have risen, yet now people are taking serious consideration to wash their hands and cover their mouths when they cough? Look people…. the harsh flu season was the training round, now you’re in the REAL game. Should’ve practiced up BEFORE a pandemic. And no, this not the flu, but if people had been making healthy habits when the flu was flying around, would this be as bad as it is? My belief, I think not.

2. People are more scared of their financial stability than their own health and well-being, and this is the result. People do not take care of themselves, they come to work sick, then get their coworkers sick, who also still come to work sick. Well, here’s a great reminder, whether you like or not, because now you could be unemployed.

3. Panic or stress. Shit happens, hell I could seriously lose my job next week (no joke), but I refuse to let that terrify me. Everything is meant to happen as it should, and we chose our path based on our reactions. People need to find peace in the small things they forgot to be grateful for – for example: that annoying family (or family member), good time to love them; you still have the freedom to walk outside and control your actions and reactions, not everyone has that freedom.

4. (this one is probably going to be my fav) For all of you w/ no faith or low faith (and no, I don’t give a shit what religion you believe in), your favorite question throughout this is going to be, ‘If God is so great, why is he letting this happen.’ Well, when was the last time YOU had any considerations for God? When was the last time YOUR actions were in consideration for/of God? That’s right. I’m full of faith, and understand one thing. Whatever happens to me, and for me, is never going to more than I can handle, and I’m never alone. I control the situation by my reaction and attitude.

Hear it.

For those of you who need to hear it.

For those of you I want to hear it – Actually listen.

 

Entrances with purpose, when it comes to love.

Gestures.

All I want is someone brave enough to love me, with simple and thoughtful gestures. Small things really, to remind me that someone is brave enough to stay.

Do you know what it’s like to love a coward? It’s poison. The anxiety and insecurities take over your mind, and no matter how much you tell yourself you’re enough, you don’t believe it. Why? Because if I was enough, they would be brave enough to stay – to love me, fight with me and just be with me.

Loving a coward is the constant fear of when all their excuses overwhelm them, and they leave. When they’re leaving they make it look so easy, while you’re losing a piece of who you were. Every time someone leaves it changes you.

Grow

I pray I will trust the happiness and joy the people around me bring, and not allow the fear of someone walking away stop me from loving and being vulnerable for them.

I pray I can accept change within myself as an evolution, rather than feeling like I’m losing myself.

Joy and harmony.

Celebrate!

This is the best time of year to sit down and take a minute to recognize who and what we’re thankful for, to remind us we are blessed. With the closure of the year looming close, it’s easy to focus on what we didn’t get accomplished and those who are no longer part of our story.

Life is broken into pieces by what we want and what we need. Most of the time we can forget there is a significant difference between wanting and needing. By feeling we need something that is only a want, we can forget to be thankful for the pieces of our life that are vital.

For almost two years I have been missing someone I want in my life, but recently there has been a significant change into a vital piece of Me. My brother made a life choice I’m beyond proud of, however he’s no longer able to be part of all special moments. Moments we planned out for the future and surprise circumstances, they are no longer the same. With the first, I am missing a piece of my heart. With the second, I am missing a piece of who I am.

I am beyond thankful and blessed for my family, and my friends who have become my family. I have no idea how I would’ve been able to enjoy Thanksgiving without them, while missing so much. But I choose to focus on who is with me, rather than those who are not.

During these wonderful holidays, cherish those who can be with you. Tell them they are important. Most importantly, do not let those who aren’t vital overshadow your joy.

Celebrate those you love, and appreciate the space they occupy in your life.

Fear.

It’s not the fear of losing them
that scares us,
it’s that we have given them
so many of our pieces
that we fear losing
ourselves
when they are gone.

-Atticus

Filling in those pieces.
It’s one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do for myself, fight for myself.

I don’t know what hurts more,
losing those pieces, or that someone can take those pieces and carelessly throw them away.

Accept your Purpose.

I’ve always known my purpose was different then other people. My whole life, for so long I can’t even pinpoint the moment, I’ve always known I didn’t want kids. Having children would not bring the fulfillment it brings others.

I was not meant to have children, I was meant to love them.

I last man I had very serious and involved feelings for already had kids, and the pressure to have more was not there. I was as excited to love him, as his kids. But for other reasons, things did not work out, but the feeling of rightness with that situation made me really understand what I’ve known my whole life.

I’ve never been coy or quiet about my stance on children, but men always believe I will change my mind just because they say ‘I love you.’ Let me tell you, if someone really loves me, they understand I don’t come with that vision of a family. In fact, I’m completely baffled when anyone puts requirements on their definition of contentment and happiness. Just as I’m sure they’re baffled that I’m a female who does not want to birth children.

I can’t change for anyone, just as I would never ask anyone to change for me. Loving someone, anyone, is loving who they are.

“I love you, I really mean that, the only problem is you don’t want kids and I do”

“I’m sorry that’s an issue for you. I’ve never felt that having kids was needed to make me happy, and I don’t want to have them just to have them. And honestly, if I ever changed my mind about children, I would adopt.”

If anyone cannot see the difference between having children and adopting them, let me break it down: Children who have been put up for adoption, need to be loved because there is no one who can or wants to love them.