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The Journey.

Don’t cry for Me – Cobi

I miss him. My journey is not less, but it is changed.

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Fear.

It’s not the fear of losing them
that scares us,
it’s that we have given them
so many of our pieces
that we fear losing
ourselves
when they are gone.

-Atticus

Filling in those pieces.
It’s one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do for myself, fight for myself.

I don’t know what hurts more,
losing those pieces, or that someone can take those pieces and carelessly throw them away.

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Accept your Purpose.

I’ve always known my purpose was different then other people. My whole life, for so long I can’t even pinpoint the moment, I’ve always known I didn’t want kids. Having children would not bring the fulfillment it brings others.

I was not meant to have children, I was meant to love them.

I last man I had very serious and involved feelings for already had kids, and the pressure to have more was not there. I was as excited to love him, as his kids. But for other reasons, things did not work out, but the feeling of rightness with that situation made me really understand what I’ve known my whole life.

I’ve never been coy or quiet about my stance on children, but men always believe I will change my mind just because they say ‘I love you.’ Let me tell you, if someone really loves me, they understand I don’t come with that vision of a family. In fact, I’m completely baffled when anyone puts requirements on their definition of contentment and happiness. Just as I’m sure they’re baffled that I’m a female who does not want to birth children.

I can’t change for anyone, just as I would never ask anyone to change for me. Loving someone, anyone, is loving who they are.

“I love you, I really mean that, the only problem is you don’t want kids and I do”

“I’m sorry that’s an issue for you. I’ve never felt that having kids was needed to make me happy, and I don’t want to have them just to have them. And honestly, if I ever changed my mind about children, I would adopt.”

If anyone cannot see the difference between having children and adopting them, let me break it down: Children who have been put up for adoption, need to be loved because there is no one who can or wants to love them.

life

Possibilities.

I haven’t been able to write much, or believe in what I’m writing. When I read back through some of the posts I’ve created, it’s disappointing to read how defeated I’ve become. It’s even more disappointing to realize I am not as much of a fighter as I always believed I was. As it turns out, my insecurities are bigger then my bravery and fighting spirit. While it could be argued he didn’t fight for me either, sometimes there has to be one strong person capable of fighting while the other can’t fight.
During a time where I was learning how to trust someone I love, they decided to walk away. Walk away from possibilities and a connection that felt treasured. Love isn’t easy for me. I don’t feel free to express how and what I feel until I can trust the person I feel them for. Telling someone you love them is placing yourself completely vulnerable to their reaction. No matter how much someone loves and cares about you, it’s still possible to mishandle a special moment. Sometimes… I need reassurance that no matter how much or little someone cares or loves me, they are able to express how they feel without being hurtful.

Love is a big word. Such a small word filled with big meaning.

I have to be honest with myself to know I did/do love him. But no matter how much you love someone, hearing “Even if I wanted a relationship, it wouldn’t be with you,” courage and determination flee. Even understanding those words were coming from utter disappointment, defeat and fear he had from a previous relationship gone extremely bad, how can I fight my own insecurities and his fears? Never in my life have I ever felt so confused and lost, and it’s taken me over a year to completely process what happened. And still, I don’t believe it sometimes.

This space to write, I started after I had first met him. It was started because I wanted a place to share my struggles and determination to stay positive and strong, and have others relate and feel less alone. However, now I can’t stop myself from writing for him, more then for myself. I will not write in the hopes of possibly changing someone’s mind.

I want to write for me. Creative. Free.

It’s time to free space. This tea party is on an undetermined hiatus.

Life is good.

life

Past, Present and Patience.

What is real? Can anyone tell the difference?

“If just seeing your name and that smile that captivated me from the minute I saw it so many years ago is all I’ll ever have again, I’ll will thank God in every prayer… I’ve waited years to talk to you. I’ll wait years again.”

Yesterday was Good Friday and tomorrow is Easter, two days in which we should all be utterly thankful for. I constantly make mistakes, and continually beat myself up for them. I constantly look back at situations no longer beneficial for my future, even though I desperately want them to be. No matter where I am, I am never alone. No matter how many times I’m not able to dispense grace or forgiveness, I am the only person beating myself up. Ultimately, I am forgiven, as we all are.

Tomorrow is a day to be thankful to Him. It’s a day where the actions shared so long ago, are still meaningful and everlasting. We are all human, and we will make mistakes.

Patience, for we are all loved.

life

Breaks and Anchors.

“I felt comfort in the fact that from this point on I never have to be away from you again.”

No matter how the future changes quotes from the past, I strive to remember what joy they did bring. I use them as a reminder that I deserve these sentiments from someone who chooses to stay, who chooses me, and to stay hopeful. Hopeful that I can heal and be even better. Hope anchors all things.

Relationship can be broken. However, perseverance between two people who love who they are together, and they choose to mend and heal. Connections are hard to break, hearts are not delicate, and honesty can heal most breaks. Hurt through honesty is easy to work on and grow from. Hurt through lies and dishonesty, leaves very deep scars.

“The best kind of humans are the ones who stay.”
-R.M. Drake

Just remember, the simple act of staying is a commitment to fighting for someone.

life

Tea time and bath bombs

Last week was packed full of long days, constant change and doubt.

It is just 2 adults with a connection
One that brings a smile to my face and a warmness to my soul.

Vivid dreams and nightmares, they’re all the same thing and they always seem to follow a crazy hectic week. Luckily, the most magical antidote are bath bombs and tea. Instant stress reliever, and I’m able to have quiet moments to think. To think about something other then work, other then dreams. It’s a moment to work through being homesick, and make it something productive.

I’m not a believer in Valentine’s Day, but I am a believer in the people who constantly support me.  It’s a wonderful moment to appreciate the people I miss, and remember I am loved.  When I think of my support team, the people who have been there for me through some pretty tough times, I believe a day like Valentine’s day is the perfect excuse to remind them they matter.  In fact, they more then matter, but they’re appreciated and loved.  Bottom line, they’re essential.

So please, if you’re single and not ready to mingle or you’re single and frustrated by the lack of a man to spoil you, remember to see those who are supporting you.  Let this be a day of true love, which isn’t limited to a romantic relationship but relationships in general.  Love in all forms.

Make Valentine’s Day a day of seeing love, rather then seeing the lack of it.

poetry

Love, lies and nonsense

I’ve spent the last 25 years learning and diving deep inside my mind to know who I am. I Know who I am.

But do you know who you are with me?

Is that someone you want to be?

Before anyone steps into “complete honesty” with another person, you have to trust that the person you love and care about is someone you’re willing to change for. If you can’t trust yourself with that evolution, then you’re not ready to share love. If you don’t want to be changed, or your life to be changed, then don’t love another person.

When you leave someone, they begin to distrust who they are and how they are.  It’s a vicious circle of distrust, all started by a moment of honesty and love.

Remember to be brave for the people you love, and yourself.  Most importantly, for yourself.

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Dark days and Carvings.

When I first thought about writing this, I wanted it to be another letter, similar to one I have already written. I quickly realized that’s one more thing that’s about him and this needs to be about me, because I’ve already spent too much time on him. I want to be happy with who I am again, and no one can help me with that. I miss his presence. That’s not pathetic, just honest. What is pathetic is allowing it to still hurt me. 

It’s amazing how one person can change my whole perspective… Of myself. I realize I’m not an easy person to love. I’m extremely cautious, and have a difficult time showing anyone how much I love them until I trust them. But just because I’m not ready to shout my feelings to the world, doesn’t mean I’m not carving out a place for you. While I was carving out a place for him in my life, and my heart, he was trying to find any reason not to do the same. I made a huge error, I didn’t say enough, do enough. When I was with him, I just enjoyed being with him, being comfortable and feeling safe. I had never felt so comfortable with someone, it was refreshing, wonderful and terrifying. I can’t wrap my head around the fact that 365 days ago I was so happy, crazy happy. A year ago everything was so bright, that now life feels darker then it actually is. I’m tired of being ‘fine’. I’ve said that word so much in the last year, I can’t stand it. I’ve been numb, or plain avoided all of those painful insecurities. Now, it feels like it’s all hitting me at once. Now, that space needs to be filled, and I get to choose how. 

So here’s to 2017. Dark days are meant to make us cherish the light we fight for, and try to be. I refuse to allow these dark days to let me lose faith in myself.  I will wrestle through feelings and insecurities I’ve avoided for almost a year to become better. This is going to be a year for so much growing, and so much opportunity. I just need to remember to keep looking forward. And most importantly, only carry people into my future who want to be there. 

“Every loss leaves a space, that can be filled with God’s presence.”