I am hurting. I’ve spent the last couple of months more numb then anything and now… I don’t know. And honestly… I don’t care. It’s a sad place to be in. There is no poetry left, and my photography has dwindled down to my iPhone. I haven’t been able to write in my leather bound journal, and I need to write privately more then in a public forum. A place where no one will read my words but me, and I will not worry about being misunderstood. I will be able to write for me.
Lately, I have become so worried about what someone will think about what I’m writing, I have deleted and filtered myself into silence and doubt. So much doubt. Everything feels wrong.
I want this to be a place for honest cathartic moments, similar to stories you share over a cup of tea, or coffee, with a friend. I don’t know what to share anymore. Everyday I get to choose what I want my attitude and outlook to be, and I want to be happy and positive. But to get to a good place, it can be exhausting and difficult and I have some bad days. So what do you say, when you want to say everything and nothing?
I say, “Until later…”
Scarecrow – Lukr
Writing is extremely difficult right now. I’m fighting for that positive perspective I want throughout times of struggle. The authenticity of writing and journaling is to truly share struggles, and force myself to find a new perspective. Hopefully, a more positive one then when I started.
But I don’t care. And that is the attitude I’m constantly fighting.
Words are so difficult right now, because they aren’t fitting into what I’m trying to say. So, when there are no words, there is music. This is just a phase, and I have to battle through it. I’ve done it before, and it made me stronger. I’ll do it again, and I’ll have this always evolving playlist to help me throug. For the good days, bad days, and ‘I’m a badass’ days, my life playlist helps me through it. Try out some of my favorites, in this Sample Size playlist.
Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her, and she will watch over you. -Proverbs 4:6
“There is no separation
Sea, land, & sky
Connected by spirit
If we walk on a different beach
Or we fall from a different tree
We do it together in spirit”
What can I believe?
“I was raised to believe you’re safe in God’s hands. But I don’t feel safe with myself.”
44 days ago I found out the wife of my coworker, and friend, cancer has returned. Now he’s taking time off work to make preparations… 44 days later.
My heart is breaking.
It brings back perspective. On my flight to Denver, I was thinking it would be a relief not to be stuck in a world where people either walk away or judge you. Where I rarely ever feel I belong, and feel constantly judged. God is home. And at times like this I have to remind myself of that, and everything is about timing. His timing.
Just like everything else that is happening, understanding isn’t always the point. Accept what is happening and keep moving, no matter how much it hurts.
“Yes, yes but you would have to be half-mad to dream me up.”
-Lewis Carroll via The Mad Hatter
Life is an ongoing tea party. As the host, we make it what we want it to be. We are in charge of who stays, who goes, and who we allow to have reserved seating. We control the madness, sadness, and joy of the party. We decide who we dress up for, who we will wait for, and who we let wait for us.
There is always that one place, that one seat, we keep reserved for someone we know will never return to our party. The constant hope, wish, and prayers have us leave a place open that will eventually collect dust and cobwebs. After awhile we accept that place will always be empty, and we learn how live with the sorrow and not allow it to dampen the festivities.
There are the people that don’t need a reserve sign, because there will always be a place for them. We will share stories, laughter and tears, and they will be more then happy to slip in a little (or a lot) whiskey in our tea cups when the days are dark. Hell, if the table is full, they will bring their own cup and share your chair.
There will be people who will pass through, for a reason, a season, or a lesson. All of these people, permanent or temporary, we will love. We love what they bring to the party, whether they leave behind joy or sadness, there will always be tea to drink.
Whether a party of one or a full table, we decide how to enjoy it.
I’ve never been very good at shutting doors, and keeping them closed. I struggle and fear I’m losing something, even when it’s already walked out the door.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to lock it, but I’m going to try and close the door. Very softly.
My heart is breaking.
Today has been a challenge.
I have been struggling with situations beyond my control, and trying to accept circumstances for what God has given me. My life feels so out of my control, I have become obsessed with controlling the one thing I can… Food. What I eat and how much of it, once again I have a food diary and a calorie counter on my iPad. And don’t confuse needing to be in control with an eating disorder. I don’t throw up or starve myself, but I monitor everything, and even measure my workouts to my food. It’s obsessive, and it’s so surface.
Today my coworker found out his wife’s cancer is back, and possibly worse then before. They are the same age as I am, mid 30’s. They are beautiful people, inside and out. Every time I’ve been around her she is always smiling, and he is beyond generous and never seems to let anything bring him down. They’ve been battling cancer together, in a partnership, an excellent example of staying together through hardship.
It’s sad something like this has to give me perspective on my own struggles, rather then being grateful for what I am been blessed with. If I can just remember to live with grace and forgiveness, and to aim both at others, as well as myself, life would stay bright. I can not let my circumstances beat me down.
Everyone is fighting a battle, and just because someone can hide their fight behind a smile doesn’t make it any less. In fact, it makes them more.
Everyone will define intimacy differently, but I can give you my definition in one word: trust.
No matter whether it’s physical or emotional intimacy, I need to feel a sense of trust with whom I’m with. When I tell someone I love them, it’s because not only do I feel it but I trust the feeling and the person. I can’t have one without the other.
The more people walk away, I find it more difficult to believe and trust what I feel for the next person. People can say they know something is going to be difficult, but actually working through difficulties is a raw reality not many people want to stay for. If you feel something for another person, who allows you to be yourself, just let it grow. Don’t allow circumstances to limit possibilities.
Learn to love and trust who you love, everything else is just nonsense.
In the past, I’ve always known who I am. My struggle has usually been how I will ever fit in, since I always feel different. Never did I struggle with my life, or what I want and need.
Today. I looked in the mirror and I didn’t recognize myself. It could be the new haircut or color, they are both drastic changes. Both were needed, but nothing I haven’t done before.
But the mirror, the woman looking back at me… She feels far away. I am familiar, and not. I don’t know where to start, to get back to me. I am not unhappy, but neither am I happy. I feel like a foreigner.. Within myself.
I am blessed. As I sit here with family, I know I love and am loved in return. Family is everything, and they will help me. And they won’t even realize it. Life will keep moving forward, and so will I.
There are always dark times in our life, and all that matters is that I find the light. I have to be stronger then my insecurities, then I will be stronger.