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Dark days and Carvings.

When I first thought about writing this, I wanted it to be another letter, similar to one I have already written. I quickly realized that’s one more thing that’s about him and this needs to be about me, because I’ve already spent too much time on him. I want to be happy with who I am again, and no one can help me with that. I miss his presence. That’s not pathetic, just honest. What is pathetic is allowing it to still hurt me. 

It’s amazing how one person can change my whole perspective… Of myself. I realize I’m not an easy person to love. I’m extremely cautious, and have a difficult time showing anyone how much I love them until I trust them. But just because I’m not ready to shout my feelings to the world, doesn’t mean I’m not carving out a place for you. While I was carving out a place for him in my life, and my heart, he was trying to find any reason not to do the same. I made a huge error, I didn’t say enough, do enough. When I was with him, I just enjoyed being with him, being comfortable and feeling safe. I had never felt so comfortable with someone, it was refreshing, wonderful and terrifying. I can’t wrap my head around the fact that 365 days ago I was so happy, crazy happy. A year ago everything was so bright, that now life feels darker then it actually is. I’m tired of being ‘fine’. I’ve said that word so much in the last year, I can’t stand it. I’ve been numb, or plain avoided all of those painful insecurities. Now, it feels like it’s all hitting me at once. Now, that space needs to be filled, and I get to choose how. 

So here’s to 2017. Dark days are meant to make us cherish the light we fight for, and try to be. I refuse to allow these dark days to let me lose faith in myself.  I will wrestle through feelings and insecurities I’ve avoided for almost a year to become better. This is going to be a year for so much growing, and so much opportunity. I just need to remember to keep looking forward. And most importantly, only carry people into my future who want to be there. 

“Every loss leaves a space, that can be filled with God’s presence.”

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Blessings and miracles. 

The best miracles are the ones you already have.  

This time of year has always been a little difficult, because there are people I wish could be with me for the holidays.  Whether they’re not here because of sickness or choice, it doesn’t stop me from missing their presence.  However, I’ve come to realize the people I do have, who are present and love me, are my miracles. 

My family and the friends that have become my family, I count them as a blessing throughout the year. The holiday season shouldn’t make those blessings any less, all because I’m waiting for some Christmas miracle. In fact, they are my miracles.  

I love the people around me. I won’t allow the people who choose not to be apart of my life make my Christmas and New Years feel incomplete.

I’m so thankful and blessed for this Christmas, and being with my family. I am extremely blessed by them and the reason for the season.

I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas, and hope you’re all surrounded by people who love and care about you.

Also, I wish you all a very blessed and safe New Year.  

life

Unfinished.

2016 has been one of the most difficult years I’ve ever experienced.  I have experienced the most loss I’ve ever had in one year, a year which isn’t even over yet.  I’ve felt loss through death, sickness and choice.  And now, I’m leaving.

I can’t stay in this space, and keep evolving into this person I dislike.  I feel pathetic.  I have the words, by a person who will always have the ability to hurt me emotionally.  I have the words, the words that should push me to move forward, and all my instincts are calling it a lie.  But he said them, and I have to take those words and move on.  I’ve spent the last seven months numb.  When people would ask how I am, I would reply with “I’m fine”.  But, I want to be more then “fine”, I want to be amazing and I want to be happy.  I don’t want to have to work and focus on being either of those things, I just want to BE them.

With that, I have been offered a position in Denver and I accepted.  And it’s more difficult then when I left last time.  This time, I love the people I work with, I love my office and I love MY people.  I don’t want to leave my work family or my family. I love my family.  However, I understand it’s what I need to do.  I’m dying here.  I hate who I am, and I’ve literally said the phrase, “I want to die” in my head.  And before anyone assumes the worst I don’t want to kill myself, but I do want that piece of myself that wants him to die.  As I sit here writing this emotional monologue, I fight tears and struggle with leaving the people I love and care about. Even though I know this is what I need to do, or I will just sit here and stay in this unacceptable funk.  I need to believe in myself again, and stop believing everything I do is wrong, or I’m not enough.

So, in two weeks I will be moving into a beautiful studio apartment, selling my car and getting on my one way flight to Denver.  I will live in a hotel for a little over a week, since my start date and my move in date are NOT aligned.  I have the most amazing family, and they’ll drive what little I’m taking with me.  My new adventure officially starts on November 6th.

And with what feels like an unfinished chapter, I begin a new one.

 

life

An ending.

I am hurting. I’ve spent the last couple of months more numb then anything and now… I don’t know. And honestly… I don’t care.  It’s a sad place to be in.  There is no poetry left, and my photography has dwindled down to my iPhone. I haven’t been able to write in my leather bound journal, and I need to write privately more then in a public forum. A place where no one will read my words but me, and I  will not worry about being misunderstood. I will be able to write for me. 

Lately, I have become so worried about what someone will think about what I’m writing, I have deleted and filtered myself into silence and doubt. So much doubt. Everything feels wrong. 

I want this to be a place for honest cathartic moments, similar to stories you share over a cup of tea, or coffee, with a friend. I don’t know what to share anymore. Everyday I get to choose what I want my attitude and outlook to be, and I want to be happy and positive.  But to get to a good place, it can be exhausting and difficult and I have some bad days. So what do you say, when you want to say everything and nothing? 

I say, “Until later…” 

Scarecrow – Lukr

life · music

Phases and Stages.

Writing is extremely difficult right now.  I’m fighting for that positive perspective I want throughout times of struggle. The authenticity of writing and journaling is to truly share struggles, and force myself to find a new perspective. Hopefully, a more positive one then when I started. 

But I don’t care. And that is the attitude I’m constantly fighting. 

Words are so difficult right now, because they aren’t fitting into what I’m trying to say.  So, when there are no words, there is music.  This is just a phase, and I have to battle through it.  I’ve done it before, and it made me stronger.  I’ll do it again, and I’ll have this always evolving playlist to help me throug.  For the good days, bad days, and ‘I’m a badass’ days, my life playlist helps me through it.  Try out some of my favorites, in this Sample Size playlist.

Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her, and she will watch over you. -Proverbs 4:6

poetry

Believe.

“There is no separation
Sea, land, & sky
Connected by spirit

If we walk on a different beach
Or we fall from a different tree
We do it together in spirit”

What can I believe?

“I was raised to believe you’re safe in God’s hands. But I don’t feel safe with myself.”

-M. Fox

life

44 days. 

44 days ago I found out the wife of my coworker, and friend, cancer has returned.  Now he’s taking time off work to make preparations… 44 days later. 

My heart is breaking. 

It brings back perspective.  On my flight to Denver, I was thinking it would be a relief not to be stuck in a world where people either walk away or judge you.  Where I rarely ever feel I belong, and feel constantly judged. God is home.  And at times like this I have to remind myself of that, and everything is about timing. His timing. 

Just like everything else that is happening, understanding isn’t always the point.  Accept what is happening and keep moving, no matter how much it hurts. 

Just breathe

life

Tea Party

“Yes, yes but you would have to be half-mad to dream me up.”

-Lewis Carroll via The Mad Hatter

Life is an ongoing tea party. As the host, we make it what we want it to be. We are in charge of who stays, who goes, and who we allow to have reserved seating. We control the madness, sadness, and joy of the party. We decide who we dress up for, who we will wait for, and who we let wait for us.  
There is always that one place, that one seat, we keep reserved for someone we know will never return to our party. The constant hope, wish, and prayers have us leave a place open that will eventually collect dust and cobwebs.  After awhile we accept that place will always be empty, and we learn how live with the sorrow and not allow it to dampen the festivities.  

There are the people that don’t need a reserve sign, because there will always be a place for them.  We will share stories, laughter and tears, and they will be more then happy to slip in a little (or a lot) whiskey in our tea cups when the days are dark.   Hell, if the table is full, they will bring their own cup and share your chair. 

There will be people who will pass through, for a reason, a season, or a lesson.  All of these people, permanent or temporary, we will love.  We love what they bring to the party, whether they leave behind joy or sadness, there will always be tea to drink.  

Whether a party of one or a full table, we decide how to enjoy it.