I pray I will trust the happiness and joy the people around me bring, and not allow the fear of someone walking away stop me from loving and being vulnerable for them.
I pray I can accept change within myself as an evolution, rather than feeling like I’m losing myself.
Joy and harmony.
“If just seeing your name and that smile that captivated me from the minute I saw it so many years ago is all I’ll ever have again, I’ll will thank God in every prayer… I’ve waited years to talk to you. I’ll wait years again.”
Yesterday was Good Friday and tomorrow is Easter, two days in which we should all be utterly thankful for. I constantly make mistakes, and continually beat myself up for them. I constantly look back at situations no longer beneficial for my future, even though I desperately want them to be. No matter where I am, I am never alone. No matter how many times I’m not able to dispense grace or forgiveness, I am the only person beating myself up. Ultimately, I am forgiven, as we all are.
Tomorrow is a day to be thankful to Him. It’s a day where the actions shared so long ago, are still meaningful and everlasting. We are all human, and we will make mistakes.
Patience, for we are all loved.
“There is no separation
Sea, land, & sky
Connected by spirit
If we walk on a different beach
Or we fall from a different tree
We do it together in spirit”
What can I believe?
“I was raised to believe you’re safe in God’s hands. But I don’t feel safe with myself.”
-M. Fox
Sometimes I forget what I actually look like, rather than how I see myself. Today I was doing yoga, and when I opened my eyes and looked into the mirror, I almost didn’t recognize myself. To be honest, I really wish people would see me as the awkward nerd, that I see, rather than the attractive person they see standing in front of them. It’s beyond uncomfortable to even talk about being pretty, or attractive, because I do NOT see myself like that. Being pretty is genetic luck, being a good person isn’t always the popular choice.
All the time when I was in college, I would get approached by modeling scouts (actual talent agents and scammers). I never did, and still don’t, understand what the big deal is, or why they wanted to talk to me. My looks have worked against me, as much as they have worked in my favor. I have lost friends and promotions, all because I’m pretty and that’s all they see. Bosses don’t take me seriously and will blow me off, and friends get jealous or their girlfriends do. It is beyond uncomfortable to think that people are more concerned about my exterior appearance, than what’s beneath the surface.
Every day I struggle with what people see, and how I feel. I don’t understand why people comment more about my appearance, then my decisions. I am more proud of my decisions then I am of my appearance. Every day I feel extremely different, and almost left out, because I know what people assume when they see me. And they couldn’t be more wrong.
Let’s get this straight: I’m not ashamed of the way I look. In fact I love it, because I am a wonderful combination of my parents and they are amazing. If I could be half as patient and understanding as my mother, and half as smart and witty as my father, I would consider myself beyond blessed.
It’s so disappointing to know so many people look at me and come to some pretty ignorant assumptions. All because I’m pretty.
My personal decision to not have children or my lack of immediacy to marry has made me feel even more isolated from people my own age, and people I love and care about. While in my twenties not wanting children was acceptable and no one was in a rush to get married. However once I hit thirty, and my personal decisions didn’t change, I’m the weirdo. The more I felt I had to explain myself, I realized I didn’t want to open us to anyone, because everyone what’s to know why. Why what? Why I don’t want kids? Why do you want kids? Why am I not in a rush to get married? Why are you in a rush to get married? Why… Why… Why????
I don’t date because men can be lying assholes, and I’m tired of trying to figure out when they’re being honest. I don’t have many friends, because I’m tired of them walking away from a friendship rather then working out issues I don’t even know exist. My family is my core, because they are the only people who accept me for who I am without making me feel like I don’t belong. Being around people with their careless questions, and they’re “open minds” are debilitating. No matter how confident a person is, when the majority of people question the core of who you are, and what you want in your own life, they can wear down your shine.
As I look over the last three years, which happen to all be in my thirties, I become sad for the woman who allowed people to dull her shine. Just because I am different then a vast majority of females, doesn’t make my shine any less bright then someone else. So a quick note to everyone who feels like their different, or they don’t belong. Do the best thing you can ever do for yourself, just shine.
A huge problem is looking through gender colored glasses.
When you love someone, you love who they are, not what they are. A person isn’t just a gender, they are a soul, a personality and they are themselves. Being masculine or feminine is who you are, not your gender.
When people love, we love who that person and not what we were born as. We need to appreciate two people loving each other, fighting through the hard times, and appreciating each other through the good times to make a complete and devoted relationship.
Too often I have lost relationships because my best friends were male, and I’m a female. It’s so rare to feel completely connected with someone, without sexual overtones, to lose it because a significant other is jealous. In fact, one of my most hated questions is: “Doesn’t it bother his girlfriend that you two are friends?” Having a mutual connection and bond isn’t based on gender, it’s based on who two people are.
Just appreciate people for who they are. You don’t have to love me… Hell, you don’t even have to like me. But there should always be an appreciation of every type of person. Sometimes you should love someone for the simple reason they are everything you are not.
The ultimate kiss of death to ANY relationship… is to believe you know that person completely.
We are human, we are constantly changing and evolving. Everyday we are faced with new challenges and experiences that change us, whether the change is a baby step or a huge leap, we change.
Some days… it’s easy to wonder how well I even know myself. I would hate to love and care about someone who becomes so complacent, they will not notice the daily struggles I go through.
Loving someone isn’t about knowing a person “inside and out”… it’s about growing with them. Supporting them daily during those small and large conflicts and challenges. It’s about being there, and not giving up.
Just because a person is silent, doesn’t mean they don’t want to talk or be with you.
It could mean they don’t know what to do, so they choose silence.
I am a late bloomer. And that’s a trend that’s continued through my life.
Right now, I’m just trying to find my place. I was distracted by someone, while I should’ve been trying to learn what I wanted on my own. He didn’t stay around, and it’s taken me awhile to get around to deal with my feelings about another person walking away. Friends and family are always trying to get me to find someone, date someone, or just sleep with someone, and I can’t do any of that.
How can anyone grow from the events in their life, if they don’t deal with the changes those events caused? I can’t lean on some random person to distract me, or feelings for someone to derail me again. I’m fine being alone, and I wish that people would realize when I’m ready, I can find someone.
I do not want children, and I’m not in any hurry to get married, so I find myself in no hurry to find my partner in life. If that concept even exists, if it’s not some urban legend.
3 days ago, a girl who was 5 years younger then I am passed away from liver cancer.
6 years ago, a really good friend’s brother passed away in a car accident.
Both times, I have no idea what to say.
I’m not going to claim some amazingly close relationship with the girl who just passed away from cancer, but she was a person I knew of through someone else. And still, it’s shocking. And still, I want to say something to him, because he loved her. What do you say?
When my friend, who I will claim a close relationship with, brother passed away I had no words. All I could think of was: if this situation was reversed, and I was the one who lost my brother, what could she say to me? When I couldn’t answer my own question, I said nothing. Well, I said something, and what I did say sounded… weak.
Sometimes, I wonder why am I here, and why are they not? It always feels like when someone passes away, everyone remembers these amazing things, and focuses so much on the everything that was positive about someone, it leaves me feeling… ineffective. I wonder why people can’t acknowledge that someone who passed away wasn’t perfect, and wasn’t always liked, but they can still be sad. And truly, feeling the unfairness of someone dying, doesn’t mean you didn’t like them. It means you feel compassion and a connection to humanity that is larger then your own personal feelings. I believe by turning someone into some kind of living saint, it makes it harder for people to let go. And maybe, people start to an unfairness that isn’t there.
I really don’t understand how God makes his decision for a persons lifespan.
But some things aren’t meant to be understood.
Some things are just meant to be experienced, and to encourage growth.
But still…. what do you say to the people who are still here?
The only time it should be appropriate to drop the F bomb, in any circumstances, is in the following statement:
“I’m fucking awesome.”
True Story.
Be My Cup of Tea 