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Let there be Color!

Have you ever had so much to say, you say nothing?

I want to say everything, but it feels like too much. How far do you have to look back, to progress forward?

There’s always some of your past in the future, it’s all about how it helps you rather than hinders, and how you can be free. Artistic creation is all about freedom, and I’m so blessed I’ve been able to let go and let my artist have the freedom to be creative. I’ve had very little input, and it’s exactly what I want.

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The Journey continues…

I love art. I love the process and the development. The fact I am a living part of the process is amazing. My artist is a wonderful human. He makes me wish I could translate what’s in my head to paper. Words have always been my sanctuary, but in the last couple years they allude me.

So, I’ll continue this artistic journey, and continue to heal.

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Celebrate!

This is the best time of year to sit down and take a minute to recognize who and what we’re thankful for, to remind us we are blessed. With the closure of the year looming close, it’s easy to focus on what we didn’t get accomplished and those who are no longer part of our story.

Life is broken into pieces by what we want and what we need. Most of the time we can forget there is a significant difference between wanting and needing. By feeling we need something that is only a want, we can forget to be thankful for the pieces of our life that are vital.

For almost two years I have been missing someone I want in my life, but recently there has been a significant change into a vital piece of Me. My brother made a life choice I’m beyond proud of, however he’s no longer able to be part of all special moments. Moments we planned out for the future and surprise circumstances, they are no longer the same. With the first, I am missing a piece of my heart. With the second, I am missing a piece of who I am.

I am beyond thankful and blessed for my family, and my friends who have become my family. I have no idea how I would’ve been able to enjoy Thanksgiving without them, while missing so much. But I choose to focus on who is with me, rather than those who are not.

During these wonderful holidays, cherish those who can be with you. Tell them they are important. Most importantly, do not let those who aren’t vital overshadow your joy.

Celebrate those you love, and appreciate the space they occupy in your life.

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Fear.

It’s not the fear of losing them
that scares us,
it’s that we have given them
so many of our pieces
that we fear losing
ourselves
when they are gone.

-Atticus

Filling in those pieces.
It’s one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do for myself, fight for myself.

I don’t know what hurts more,
losing those pieces, or that someone can take those pieces and carelessly throw them away.

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Accept your Purpose.

I’ve always known my purpose was different then other people. My whole life, for so long I can’t even pinpoint the moment, I’ve always known I didn’t want kids. Having children would not bring the fulfillment it brings others.

I was not meant to have children, I was meant to love them.

I last man I had very serious and involved feelings for already had kids, and the pressure to have more was not there. I was as excited to love him, as his kids. But for other reasons, things did not work out, but the feeling of rightness with that situation made me really understand what I’ve known my whole life.

I’ve never been coy or quiet about my stance on children, but men always believe I will change my mind just because they say ‘I love you.’ Let me tell you, if someone really loves me, they understand I don’t come with that vision of a family. In fact, I’m completely baffled when anyone puts requirements on their definition of contentment and happiness. Just as I’m sure they’re baffled that I’m a female who does not want to birth children.

I can’t change for anyone, just as I would never ask anyone to change for me. Loving someone, anyone, is loving who they are.

“I love you, I really mean that, the only problem is you don’t want kids and I do”

“I’m sorry that’s an issue for you. I’ve never felt that having kids was needed to make me happy, and I don’t want to have them just to have them. And honestly, if I ever changed my mind about children, I would adopt.”

If anyone cannot see the difference between having children and adopting them, let me break it down: Children who have been put up for adoption, need to be loved because there is no one who can or wants to love them.

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Dark days and Carvings.

When I first thought about writing this, I wanted it to be another letter, similar to one I have already written. I quickly realized that’s one more thing that’s about him and this needs to be about me, because I’ve already spent too much time on him. I want to be happy with who I am again, and no one can help me with that. I miss his presence. That’s not pathetic, just honest. What is pathetic is allowing it to still hurt me. 

It’s amazing how one person can change my whole perspective… Of myself. I realize I’m not an easy person to love. I’m extremely cautious, and have a difficult time showing anyone how much I love them until I trust them. But just because I’m not ready to shout my feelings to the world, doesn’t mean I’m not carving out a place for you. While I was carving out a place for him in my life, and my heart, he was trying to find any reason not to do the same. I made a huge error, I didn’t say enough, do enough. When I was with him, I just enjoyed being with him, being comfortable and feeling safe. I had never felt so comfortable with someone, it was refreshing, wonderful and terrifying. I can’t wrap my head around the fact that 365 days ago I was so happy, crazy happy. A year ago everything was so bright, that now life feels darker then it actually is. I’m tired of being ‘fine’. I’ve said that word so much in the last year, I can’t stand it. I’ve been numb, or plain avoided all of those painful insecurities. Now, it feels like it’s all hitting me at once. Now, that space needs to be filled, and I get to choose how. 

So here’s to 2017. Dark days are meant to make us cherish the light we fight for, and try to be. I refuse to allow these dark days to let me lose faith in myself.  I will wrestle through feelings and insecurities I’ve avoided for almost a year to become better. This is going to be a year for so much growing, and so much opportunity. I just need to remember to keep looking forward. And most importantly, only carry people into my future who want to be there. 

“Every loss leaves a space, that can be filled with God’s presence.”

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Blessings and miracles. 

The best miracles are the ones you already have.  

This time of year has always been a little difficult, because there are people I wish could be with me for the holidays.  Whether they’re not here because of sickness or choice, it doesn’t stop me from missing their presence.  However, I’ve come to realize the people I do have, who are present and love me, are my miracles. 

My family and the friends that have become my family, I count them as a blessing throughout the year. The holiday season shouldn’t make those blessings any less, all because I’m waiting for some Christmas miracle. In fact, they are my miracles.  

I love the people around me. I won’t allow the people who choose not to be apart of my life make my Christmas and New Years feel incomplete.

I’m so thankful and blessed for this Christmas, and being with my family. I am extremely blessed by them and the reason for the season.

I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas, and hope you’re all surrounded by people who love and care about you.

Also, I wish you all a very blessed and safe New Year.  

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Handle with Care

It always shocks me how inconsiderate people can be about how they treat other peoples feelings. This isn’t limited to intimate love relationships, but any relationship. When you are friends, lovers, or family, love and trust are involved and both feelings are fragile.

I’ve always looked at love and trust as glass or porcelain, and no matter how uncomfortable it maybe for me, I will not take advantage of someone’s feelings for me. I never want someone to feel undervalued or unimportant. Even if it makes me uncomfortable, and causes momentary hurt, I want to be honest with what I’m feeling. I never want to make anyone feel shattered. It hurts, and it’s hard to pull together the pieces.

I have been told some of the most beautiful sentiments, and yet actions have made me believe everything was a game. I’ve believed people would always be there for me, but when opinions became bigger then their support net, I was left to pick myself up.

Relationships can be bigger then we are, if what we feel allows us to grow, whether it’s together or a part. Love is undefinable.