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Dark days and Carvings.

When I first thought about writing this, I wanted it to be another letter, similar to one I have already written. I quickly realized that’s one more thing that’s about him and this needs to be about me, because I’ve already spent too much time on him. I want to be happy with who I am again, and no one can help me with that. I miss his presence. That’s not pathetic, just honest. What is pathetic is allowing it to still hurt me. 

It’s amazing how one person can change my whole perspective… Of myself. I realize I’m not an easy person to love. I’m extremely cautious, and have a difficult time showing anyone how much I love them until I trust them. But just because I’m not ready to shout my feelings to the world, doesn’t mean I’m not carving out a place for you. While I was carving out a place for him in my life, and my heart, he was trying to find any reason not to do the same. I made a huge error, I didn’t say enough, do enough. When I was with him, I just enjoyed being with him, being comfortable and feeling safe. I had never felt so comfortable with someone, it was refreshing, wonderful and terrifying. I can’t wrap my head around the fact that 365 days ago I was so happy, crazy happy. A year ago everything was so bright, that now life feels darker then it actually is. I’m tired of being ‘fine’. I’ve said that word so much in the last year, I can’t stand it. I’ve been numb, or plain avoided all of those painful insecurities. Now, it feels like it’s all hitting me at once. Now, that space needs to be filled, and I get to choose how. 

So here’s to 2017. Dark days are meant to make us cherish the light we fight for, and try to be. I refuse to allow these dark days to let me lose faith in myself.  I will wrestle through feelings and insecurities I’ve avoided for almost a year to become better. This is going to be a year for so much growing, and so much opportunity. I just need to remember to keep looking forward. And most importantly, only carry people into my future who want to be there. 

“Every loss leaves a space, that can be filled with God’s presence.”

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Blessings and miracles. 

The best miracles are the ones you already have.  

This time of year has always been a little difficult, because there are people I wish could be with me for the holidays.  Whether they’re not here because of sickness or choice, it doesn’t stop me from missing their presence.  However, I’ve come to realize the people I do have, who are present and love me, are my miracles. 

My family and the friends that have become my family, I count them as a blessing throughout the year. The holiday season shouldn’t make those blessings any less, all because I’m waiting for some Christmas miracle. In fact, they are my miracles.  

I love the people around me. I won’t allow the people who choose not to be apart of my life make my Christmas and New Years feel incomplete.

I’m so thankful and blessed for this Christmas, and being with my family. I am extremely blessed by them and the reason for the season.

I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas, and hope you’re all surrounded by people who love and care about you.

Also, I wish you all a very blessed and safe New Year.  

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Handle with Care

It always shocks me how inconsiderate people can be about how they treat other peoples feelings. This isn’t limited to intimate love relationships, but any relationship. When you are friends, lovers, or family, love and trust are involved and both feelings are fragile.

I’ve always looked at love and trust as glass or porcelain, and no matter how uncomfortable it maybe for me, I will not take advantage of someone’s feelings for me. I never want someone to feel undervalued or unimportant. Even if it makes me uncomfortable, and causes momentary hurt, I want to be honest with what I’m feeling. I never want to make anyone feel shattered. It hurts, and it’s hard to pull together the pieces.

I have been told some of the most beautiful sentiments, and yet actions have made me believe everything was a game. I’ve believed people would always be there for me, but when opinions became bigger then their support net, I was left to pick myself up.

Relationships can be bigger then we are, if what we feel allows us to grow, whether it’s together or a part. Love is undefinable.

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I cannot understand the great concern so many people place on beauty.  Or better yet, what mainstream media and society are defining beauty as.

Everyday I struggle with how people see me, and it never really crosses my mind what they see, but rather who they see.  It’s so awkward and uncomfortable to given attention about my physical appearance, when I had nothing to do with it.  My appearance  is something I was blessed with from my parents and by God.  I’m not some show stopping exotic beauty, but I have had enough people call me beautiful and pretty to know I’m appealing.  But what is staggering is how people obsess over a physical beauty that isn’t even permanent, once we die so does that exterior beauty.

What does matter?  A beautiful soul.

I want people to look at me and see a beautiful person, because my soul is shining brighter then my physical appearance. I can never understand the constant focus to be physically “perfect”, yet there is no care about how you treat people on a daily basis or what your values are.

When I die my soul will live on, while my body will not.

I want to be remembered as being a beautiful person, not someone who was pretty.

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Sometimes.

Walking down the beach and I know this is where I belong.
Not in a home by the beach, or a home on the beach.

The ocean should be my home.

Sometimes as I walk down the beach, with my toes in the sand and the sea foam over my feet,
I want to keep walking into the sea, until I can just swim away.
I should be a mermaid.

Sometimes while I’m playing in the sea,
I feel as though the ocean is my home.
As though the land borrowed me from the sea.
Or I was exiled from the ocean, and have to learn to live without the sea.
Like some odd modern day Ariel.

Life is so much more peaceful with the sea.

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Ponder.

I always wonder if there is something wrong with me. So many people have beautifully imperfect relationships, some end and some life lasting. I have yet to commit to anyone.

Commitment is big. But bigger then commitment, are the feelings that allow people to want that commitment. There are big feelings, and there are THE feelings. When I believed to have THE feelings, it’s beautiful and frightening. For me, frightening freezes me, and by the time I can move and go after who I want, they have left.

This last time, was brutal. Now, all of a sudden, I have men sharing feelings and showing interest, and I don’t want it. It’s almost to a level of terror now, and I do not want to grab onto what is being offered.

Whereas most people find the risk of love worth it, and have risked more than I have.
For me, I am starting to believe it’s more then I want to grab for.
It’s more than I want to watch walk away.

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To Paint

I was asked the other day to visualize myself in a forest, holding a persons hand. It never specified anything else, and I immediately painted a picture… with words.

I didn’t just see a forest… I saw a PLACE, maybe Ireland.

A beautiful lush forest,
Surrounded by bright green grass and blazing wildflowers.
I see pathways and streams,
Guarded by Castles and nurtured by cottages.

I feel the sun shining in my hair,
Your hand warming mine.
There are soft dresses,
And leather boots.

I smells like love.

And that is what I see when asked the simple question: If you were walking into a forest, who would be with you?

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Grow

The ultimate kiss of death to ANY relationship… is to believe you know that person completely. 

We are human, we are constantly changing and evolving.  Everyday we are faced with new challenges and experiences that change us, whether the change is a baby step or a huge leap, we change. 

Some days… it’s easy to wonder how well I even know myself. I would hate to love and care about someone who becomes so complacent, they will not notice the daily struggles I go through. 

Loving someone isn’t about knowing a person “inside and out”… it’s about growing with them.  Supporting them daily during those small and large conflicts and challenges. It’s about being there, and not giving up.

Just because a person is silent, doesn’t mean they don’t want to talk or be with you.

It could mean they don’t know what to do, so they choose silence.