life

Possibilities.

I haven’t been able to write much, or believe in what I’m writing. When I read back through some of the posts I’ve created, it’s disappointing to read how defeated I’ve become. It’s even more disappointing to realize I am not as much of a fighter as I always believed I was. As it turns out, my insecurities are bigger then my bravery and fighting spirit. While it could be argued he didn’t fight for me either, sometimes there has to be one strong person capable of fighting while the other can’t fight.
During a time where I was learning how to trust someone I love, they decided to walk away. Walk away from possibilities and a connection that felt treasured. Love isn’t easy for me. I don’t feel free to express how and what I feel until I can trust the person I feel them for. Telling someone you love them is placing yourself completely vulnerable to their reaction. No matter how much someone loves and cares about you, it’s still possible to mishandle a special moment. Sometimes… I need reassurance that no matter how much or little someone cares or loves me, they are able to express how they feel without being hurtful.

Love is a big word. Such a small word filled with big meaning.

I have to be honest with myself to know I did/do love him. But no matter how much you love someone, hearing “Even if I wanted a relationship, it wouldn’t be with you,” courage and determination flee. Even understanding those words were coming from utter disappointment, defeat and fear he had from a previous relationship gone extremely bad, how can I fight my own insecurities and his fears? Never in my life have I ever felt so confused and lost, and it’s taken me over a year to completely process what happened. And still, I don’t believe it sometimes.

This space to write, I started after I had first met him. It was started because I wanted a place to share my struggles and determination to stay positive and strong, and have others relate and feel less alone. However, now I can’t stop myself from writing for him, more then for myself. I will not write in the hopes of possibly changing someone’s mind.

I want to write for me. Creative. Free.

It’s time to free space. This tea party is on an undetermined hiatus.

Life is good.

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life

Past, Present and Patience.

What is real? Can anyone tell the difference?

“If just seeing your name and that smile that captivated me from the minute I saw it so many years ago is all I’ll ever have again, I’ll will thank God in every prayer… I’ve waited years to talk to you. I’ll wait years again.”

Yesterday was Good Friday and tomorrow is Easter, two days in which we should all be utterly thankful for. I constantly make mistakes, and continually beat myself up for them. I constantly look back at situations no longer beneficial for my future, even though I desperately want them to be. No matter where I am, I am never alone. No matter how many times I’m not able to dispense grace or forgiveness, I am the only person beating myself up. Ultimately, I am forgiven, as we all are.

Tomorrow is a day to be thankful to Him. It’s a day where the actions shared so long ago, are still meaningful and everlasting. We are all human, and we will make mistakes.

Patience, for we are all loved.

life

Breaks and Anchors.

“I felt comfort in the fact that from this point on I never have to be away from you again.”

No matter how the future changes quotes from the past, I strive to remember what joy they did bring. I use them as a reminder that I deserve these sentiments from someone who chooses to stay, who chooses me, and to stay hopeful. Hopeful that I can heal and be even better. Hope anchors all things.

Relationship can be broken. However, perseverance between two people who love who they are together, and they choose to mend and heal. Connections are hard to break, hearts are not delicate, and honesty can heal most breaks. Hurt through honesty is easy to work on and grow from. Hurt through lies and dishonesty, leaves very deep scars.

“The best kind of humans are the ones who stay.”
-R.M. Drake

Just remember, the simple act of staying is a commitment to fighting for someone.

life

Tea time and bath bombs

Last week was packed full of long days, constant change and doubt.

It is just 2 adults with a connection
One that brings a smile to my face and a warmness to my soul.

Vivid dreams and nightmares, they’re all the same thing and they always seem to follow a crazy hectic week. Luckily, the most magical antidote are bath bombs and tea. Instant stress reliever, and I’m able to have quiet moments to think. To think about something other then work, other then dreams. It’s a moment to work through being homesick, and make it something productive.

I’m not a believer in Valentine’s Day, but I am a believer in the people who constantly support me.  It’s a wonderful moment to appreciate the people I miss, and remember I am loved.  When I think of my support team, the people who have been there for me through some pretty tough times, I believe a day like Valentine’s day is the perfect excuse to remind them they matter.  In fact, they more then matter, but they’re appreciated and loved.  Bottom line, they’re essential.

So please, if you’re single and not ready to mingle or you’re single and frustrated by the lack of a man to spoil you, remember to see those who are supporting you.  Let this be a day of true love, which isn’t limited to a romantic relationship but relationships in general.  Love in all forms.

Make Valentine’s Day a day of seeing love, rather then seeing the lack of it.

life

Unfinished.

2016 has been one of the most difficult years I’ve ever experienced.  I have experienced the most loss I’ve ever had in one year, a year which isn’t even over yet.  I’ve felt loss through death, sickness and choice.  And now, I’m leaving.

I can’t stay in this space, and keep evolving into this person I dislike.  I feel pathetic.  I have the words, by a person who will always have the ability to hurt me emotionally.  I have the words, the words that should push me to move forward, and all my instincts are calling it a lie.  But he said them, and I have to take those words and move on.  I’ve spent the last seven months numb.  When people would ask how I am, I would reply with “I’m fine”.  But, I want to be more then “fine”, I want to be amazing and I want to be happy.  I don’t want to have to work and focus on being either of those things, I just want to BE them.

With that, I have been offered a position in Denver and I accepted.  And it’s more difficult then when I left last time.  This time, I love the people I work with, I love my office and I love MY people.  I don’t want to leave my work family or my family. I love my family.  However, I understand it’s what I need to do.  I’m dying here.  I hate who I am, and I’ve literally said the phrase, “I want to die” in my head.  And before anyone assumes the worst I don’t want to kill myself, but I do want that piece of myself that wants him to die.  As I sit here writing this emotional monologue, I fight tears and struggle with leaving the people I love and care about. Even though I know this is what I need to do, or I will just sit here and stay in this unacceptable funk.  I need to believe in myself again, and stop believing everything I do is wrong, or I’m not enough.

So, in two weeks I will be moving into a beautiful studio apartment, selling my car and getting on my one way flight to Denver.  I will live in a hotel for a little over a week, since my start date and my move in date are NOT aligned.  I have the most amazing family, and they’ll drive what little I’m taking with me.  My new adventure officially starts on November 6th.

And with what feels like an unfinished chapter, I begin a new one.

 

life

An ending.

I am hurting. I’ve spent the last couple of months more numb then anything and now… I don’t know. And honestly… I don’t care.  It’s a sad place to be in.  There is no poetry left, and my photography has dwindled down to my iPhone. I haven’t been able to write in my leather bound journal, and I need to write privately more then in a public forum. A place where no one will read my words but me, and I  will not worry about being misunderstood. I will be able to write for me. 

Lately, I have become so worried about what someone will think about what I’m writing, I have deleted and filtered myself into silence and doubt. So much doubt. Everything feels wrong. 

I want this to be a place for honest cathartic moments, similar to stories you share over a cup of tea, or coffee, with a friend. I don’t know what to share anymore. Everyday I get to choose what I want my attitude and outlook to be, and I want to be happy and positive.  But to get to a good place, it can be exhausting and difficult and I have some bad days. So what do you say, when you want to say everything and nothing? 

I say, “Until later…” 

Scarecrow – Lukr

life · music

Phases and Stages.

Writing is extremely difficult right now.  I’m fighting for that positive perspective I want throughout times of struggle. The authenticity of writing and journaling is to truly share struggles, and force myself to find a new perspective. Hopefully, a more positive one then when I started. 

But I don’t care. And that is the attitude I’m constantly fighting. 

Words are so difficult right now, because they aren’t fitting into what I’m trying to say.  So, when there are no words, there is music.  This is just a phase, and I have to battle through it.  I’ve done it before, and it made me stronger.  I’ll do it again, and I’ll have this always evolving playlist to help me throug.  For the good days, bad days, and ‘I’m a badass’ days, my life playlist helps me through it.  Try out some of my favorites, in this Sample Size playlist.

Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her, and she will watch over you. -Proverbs 4:6

life

44 days. 

44 days ago I found out the wife of my coworker, and friend, cancer has returned.  Now he’s taking time off work to make preparations… 44 days later. 

My heart is breaking. 

It brings back perspective.  On my flight to Denver, I was thinking it would be a relief not to be stuck in a world where people either walk away or judge you.  Where I rarely ever feel I belong, and feel constantly judged. God is home.  And at times like this I have to remind myself of that, and everything is about timing. His timing. 

Just like everything else that is happening, understanding isn’t always the point.  Accept what is happening and keep moving, no matter how much it hurts. 

Just breathe

life

Tea Party

“Yes, yes but you would have to be half-mad to dream me up.”

-Lewis Carroll via The Mad Hatter

Life is an ongoing tea party. As the host, we make it what we want it to be. We are in charge of who stays, who goes, and who we allow to have reserved seating. We control the madness, sadness, and joy of the party. We decide who we dress up for, who we will wait for, and who we let wait for us.  
There is always that one place, that one seat, we keep reserved for someone we know will never return to our party. The constant hope, wish, and prayers have us leave a place open that will eventually collect dust and cobwebs.  After awhile we accept that place will always be empty, and we learn how live with the sorrow and not allow it to dampen the festivities.  

There are the people that don’t need a reserve sign, because there will always be a place for them.  We will share stories, laughter and tears, and they will be more then happy to slip in a little (or a lot) whiskey in our tea cups when the days are dark.   Hell, if the table is full, they will bring their own cup and share your chair. 

There will be people who will pass through, for a reason, a season, or a lesson.  All of these people, permanent or temporary, we will love.  We love what they bring to the party, whether they leave behind joy or sadness, there will always be tea to drink.  

Whether a party of one or a full table, we decide how to enjoy it.