life

Unfinished.

2016 has been one of the most difficult years I’ve ever experienced.  I have experienced the most loss I’ve ever had in one year, a year which isn’t even over yet.  I’ve felt loss through death, sickness and choice.  And now, I’m leaving.

I can’t stay in this space, and keep evolving into this person I dislike.  I feel pathetic.  I have the words, by a person who will always have the ability to hurt me emotionally.  I have the words, the words that should push me to move forward, and all my instincts are calling it a lie.  But he said them, and I have to take those words and move on.  I’ve spent the last seven months numb.  When people would ask how I am, I would reply with “I’m fine”.  But, I want to be more then “fine”, I want to be amazing and I want to be happy.  I don’t want to have to work and focus on being either of those things, I just want to BE them.

With that, I have been offered a position in Denver and I accepted.  And it’s more difficult then when I left last time.  This time, I love the people I work with, I love my office and I love MY people.  I don’t want to leave my work family or my family. I love my family.  However, I understand it’s what I need to do.  I’m dying here.  I hate who I am, and I’ve literally said the phrase, “I want to die” in my head.  And before anyone assumes the worst I don’t want to kill myself, but I do want that piece of myself that wants him to die.  As I sit here writing this emotional monologue, I fight tears and struggle with leaving the people I love and care about. Even though I know this is what I need to do, or I will just sit here and stay in this unacceptable funk.  I need to believe in myself again, and stop believing everything I do is wrong, or I’m not enough.

So, in two weeks I will be moving into a beautiful studio apartment, selling my car and getting on my one way flight to Denver.  I will live in a hotel for a little over a week, since my start date and my move in date are NOT aligned.  I have the most amazing family, and they’ll drive what little I’m taking with me.  My new adventure officially starts on November 6th.

And with what feels like an unfinished chapter, I begin a new one.

 

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One thought on “Unfinished.

  1. Yay for you and your beautiful new life. It takes a big bucket of courage and faith to move forward. We don’t always understand the why’s of life til we keep walking forward through the valleys. Your why is coming I feel it.

    Liked by 1 person

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