2016 has been one of the most difficult years I’ve ever experienced. I have experienced the most loss I’ve ever had in one year, a year which isn’t even over yet. I’ve felt loss through death, sickness and choice. And now, I’m leaving.
I can’t stay in this space, and keep evolving into this person I dislike. I feel pathetic. I have the words, by a person who will always have the ability to hurt me emotionally. I have the words, the words that should push me to move forward, and all my instincts are calling it a lie. But he said them, and I have to take those words and move on. I’ve spent the last seven months numb. When people would ask how I am, I would reply with “I’m fine”. But, I want to be more then “fine”, I want to be amazing and I want to be happy. I don’t want to have to work and focus on being either of those things, I just want to BE them.
With that, I have been offered a position in Denver and I accepted. And it’s more difficult then when I left last time. This time, I love the people I work with, I love my office and I love MY people. I don’t want to leave my work family or my family. I love my family. However, I understand it’s what I need to do. I’m dying here. I hate who I am, and I’ve literally said the phrase, “I want to die” in my head. And before anyone assumes the worst I don’t want to kill myself, but I do want that piece of myself that wants him to die. As I sit here writing this emotional monologue, I fight tears and struggle with leaving the people I love and care about. Even though I know this is what I need to do, or I will just sit here and stay in this unacceptable funk. I need to believe in myself again, and stop believing everything I do is wrong, or I’m not enough.
So, in two weeks I will be moving into a beautiful studio apartment, selling my car and getting on my one way flight to Denver. I will live in a hotel for a little over a week, since my start date and my move in date are NOT aligned. I have the most amazing family, and they’ll drive what little I’m taking with me. My new adventure officially starts on November 6th.
And with what feels like an unfinished chapter, I begin a new one.