life

Letting go.

I’m starting to believe part of my struggle is I’m waiting for other people.

Since turning 30 I’ve had to face some realities, and I tend to separate myself from people while I’m… we’ll call it “contemplating”…contemplating what I want, or need, out of my decisions.  In the past I’ve hurt a lot of feelings, and truly lost good friends.  Even though some of these friends are still in my life, I can’t say we’re close, or anything what the relationship was.  However, I’m still waiting for them to meet me in the middle, wanting them to fight to rebuild a friendship.  Sometimes people are past the point of rebuilding, and because of which ever phase in life they are in, there isn’t even an interest. 

I want my friendships back, but I’m pretty sure a large part of that is because I’m the one who damaged it.  However, if there was as much love and caring in those relationships, why was is so easy for them to walk away?  Where’s the fight?  Why would you ask other people if there’s something going on with me, instead of just asking me? 

Why can’t I mean enough to them fight for me, and bring me back from isolation? 

It feels extremely selfish.  But relationships are work, and I believe you work to be there for someone you love. Yet, the one time I really needed someone, anyone, to pull me back in the loop, and they all let it go. 

So now, I need to let it go. 

I may be lonely for a little bit, and wonder what the heck I’m doing.  But once I find my footing, I’ll be stronger.  And hopefully, won’t make another massive mistake with other relationships. 

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